My Dad

[ishte]

My dad is dying of cancer. Let's not mince words about it. He's dying. His death song has already started writing itself in my mind. I couldn't stop it if I tried. Mother doesn't give gifts like that and then let you turn them off. I knew he was dying as soon as he said he was sick. Some of it is already written down even. The nurse likes to use euphemisms like "in transition" when she means "dying" and then tells my mom that she is in denial because Mom won't walk around with a glum face all day long. She is trying to keep a cheery disposition while she looks after Dad in his final days so that they are as pleasant for him as they can be, filled with the smiles and concern of his loving wife of nearly 60 years.

Anyway, the point here is that he is in fact dying if anyone had any question. They had to stop the chemo because it was killing him faster than the cancer. The second round of chemo (a different med from the first which wasted six weeks doing nothing) did stop the growth of the tumor, but he can't take another dose of that med.

They have some Protocell 50 which they were going to try, but Dad doesn't want to. Mom says that while you're on it you have to have a balanced diet, and it's all he can do to eat a little bit for her every meal she makes. It just tires him out... and 8 glasses of water a day. She says that she thinks he looks at all the stuff that he already has to take "big cup of pills" and just can't bear the idea of taking that as well. I understand. I do, and I support his decision about it, though it saddens me deeply. I don't want him tortured through the last of his days.

The fact is that the Protocell 50 is something that might have helped if they'd gotten it before the chemo nearly killed him. It might help now too, but he's so far gone at this point, that given his age, and very poor health in the first place, it would be a very very long journey back for him, and highly unlikely that he could ever get to where he was before he became ill.

Thanks to everyone who has offered me words of kindness and support, or talked to me when I was having a hard time with this. Thanks by name to cornerofmadness who sat up with me late that night I initiated a conversation with "I think my dad is dying". Thanks to evil_little_dog who I have talked to extensively about this too, and who I know went through this too recently with her own Dad.  Thanks to sissalem for all the information about essiac and alternative treatments.  Mom and I discussed them at length, and she and Dad made a decision about their alternative. Thanks to composer2005 for talking to me about ayurvedic options and giving me information about that too.  I know this was fresh for you too, with your mom.  I can't believe how strong you are that you could continue playing for her as she crossed over. I could never do it. I don't know if I will ever be able to sing his song all the way through. indigocub, I didn't talk to you much about this directly, though I know that you know what has been going on.  But for you... your wound is still so fresh... your loss so sudden, and the first anniversary of your loss.  evilpenguini You have been a great help to me, giving me information and telling me what you know so that I can look for more.  Knowing you are as busy as you are, thanks too.

Ok.. well that sounded like a .. I don't know... I just wanted to thank people that have helped me through this so far, you know?  I may have a long road ahead of me. Mom says that they said when they stopped the chemo that he might have 6 or 8 months.  I don't think he'll last that long.  Given the amount of pain he has and so on, I really hope that he doesn't drag on that long.  I'd rather he cross over quietly in his sleep sooner rather than later so that we can say goodbye, begin the healing process, and look forward to seeing him again in another life.  That's what I want. Mom agrees.  Mom needs a new hip, and that is not going to happen until this is over for obvious reasons.  I don't think Dad will let them take him to the hospital for anything any more.  He knows he's dying, and I think he is afraid that if he goes, that he won't get to come back home... that he will die there, and not at home with his wife where he wants to be.  I support that too.  I wouldn't want to die in an institution.  I don't blame him for feeling that way too.

Comments

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear about your father. and I'm glad I was there when you needed me to be

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Well, you know too that this is nothing new. It's just sort of the official public announcement. But thanks you again for your kind words, and especially for talking to me that night his death song started playing in my mind. That was really a rough day for me... because I just knew, even though they weren't saying.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

they rarely want to talk in absolutes

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Thanks Doug. I know that loosing your mom has been probably the most difficult thing you have ever had to deal with. Especially with it being so sudden like that. I imagine though that, given the reasons, that she probably just went to sleep. I hope that my dad has that, that he can just go to sleep and it can be a quiet passing, not one filled with pain and fear. He has nothing to be afraid of. He's never been anything but a decent person. A good man, and a good father. Air Tires, Cotter Pins and all.

[marynachaotica.livejournal.com]

I wish I could be there...if for nothing else but to hold your hand.

Gerry says to tell you it's easier to die at home, because you're surrounded by all that comforts you, and by those you love. Plus he'll help when the time comes.

[ishte.livejournal.com]

I agree with this too. I fully understand why he doesn't want to go to hospice even for the pain management that they suggested... and doubt that he will let them take him to the hospital any more either. He knows he's going... knows he's ready, and wants to be at home with the woman he loves.

I have this sense that if Dad and Gerry didn't know each other, that they should have. They did serve about the same time, but Dad was in Munich. His ship was slated for Korea and his new orders came on board at the last minute before the ship sailed and they went to Munich instead. But if they didn't know each other in this life, I'd be willing to be that they did at some point. Gerry always just felt like an old friend of Dad's from the day I met him.

[marynachaotica.livejournal.com]

I think you and Gerry did talk about the Korean War, and the fact that Gerry had been transferred over to Germany after the horrific Pusan Offensive. It wouldn't surprise me if they HAD actually known each other at that time! Or in some other lifetime.

If your father is still coherent...ask him what unit he was in blah blah blah. I have Gerry's military papers sitting over on the table with the scrap booking paraphernalia.

OH and Gerry says he won't take him to the gate, as he himself doesn't want to go through...but he'll bring a certain woman that your dad has been missing. She'll take him through.

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Yah. I know who he means. Doesn't surprise me any.

[marynachaotica.livejournal.com]

I have an idea as to whom Gerry is referring to. Doesn't surprise me that he'd think of her, considering it was Grandmother McLeod to come for Gerry. He always said she'd come for him at the alloted time.

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Thanks. There's not much to say right now. At this point, we're just sort of waiting for the shoe to drop. I can't see him holding out like this for another 6 months... or even 4, which I guess at this point the estimate made in December was 6 to 8 months... We had hoped (and been led to believe) he would regain at least a little of his strength and quality of life once he recovered from that chemo. But really, he hasn't. He's very weak and in pain. So I just feel like I'm waiting for the call. I call between job 1 and job 2 every day to check in with Mom.

[marynachaotica.livejournal.com]

Let's hope he doesn't linger as long as Gerry did!

[ishte.livejournal.com]

I do have your IM... I've talked to you on IM... breifly... You're a total ditz! haha I'm kandilokai on YM.

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Ee it's the first time I've mentioned it in any 'official' sort of way. I think I mentioned it somewhat in one of those Q&A things that went around. Something about the worst thing that ever happened to me... an the answer being finding out my dad had cancer.

Just for the record, not that it makes it any easier, Dad is 78 in 5 days. So we're not loosing him in his prime. He's been old and in poor health for a while now. This is just the lastest in a long string of problems he's been dealing with. If his health had been better, they could have surgically removed the tumor.

[netta-sloan.livejournal.com]

...I have the experience, but not the maturity.


Just know that you and your family are in my thoughts. You have the strength in you to face what is coming, even a casual acquaintance is awed by it.