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My Dad
My dad is dying of cancer. Let's not mince words about it. He's dying. His death song has already started writing itself in my mind. I couldn't stop it if I tried. Mother doesn't give gifts like that and then let you turn them off. I knew he was dying as soon as he said he was sick. Some of it is already written down even. The nurse likes to use euphemisms like "in transition" when she means "dying" and then tells my mom that she is in denial because Mom won't walk around with a glum face all day long. She is trying to keep a cheery disposition while she looks after Dad in his final days so that they are as pleasant for him as they can be, filled with the smiles and concern of his loving wife of nearly 60 years.
Anyway, the point here is that he is in fact dying if anyone had any question. They had to stop the chemo because it was killing him faster than the cancer. The second round of chemo (a different med from the first which wasted six weeks doing nothing) did stop the growth of the tumor, but he can't take another dose of that med.
They have some Protocell 50 which they were going to try, but Dad doesn't want to. Mom says that while you're on it you have to have a balanced diet, and it's all he can do to eat a little bit for her every meal she makes. It just tires him out... and 8 glasses of water a day. She says that she thinks he looks at all the stuff that he already has to take "big cup of pills" and just can't bear the idea of taking that as well. I understand. I do, and I support his decision about it, though it saddens me deeply. I don't want him tortured through the last of his days.
The fact is that the Protocell 50 is something that might have helped if they'd gotten it before the chemo nearly killed him. It might help now too, but he's so far gone at this point, that given his age, and very poor health in the first place, it would be a very very long journey back for him, and highly unlikely that he could ever get to where he was before he became ill.
Thanks to everyone who has offered me words of kindness and support, or talked to me when I was having a hard time with this. Thanks by name to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cornerofmadness who sat up with me late that night I initiated a conversation with "I think my dad is dying". Thanks to evil_little_dog who I have talked to extensively about this too, and who I know went through this too recently with her own Dad. Thanks to sissalem for all the information about essiac and alternative treatments. Mom and I discussed them at length, and she and Dad made a decision about their alternative. Thanks to composer2005 for talking to me about ayurvedic options and giving me information about that too. I know this was fresh for you too, with your mom. I can't believe how strong you are that you could continue playing for her as she crossed over. I could never do it. I don't know if I will ever be able to sing his song all the way through. indigocub, I didn't talk to you much about this directly, though I know that you know what has been going on. But for you... your wound is still so fresh... your loss so sudden, and the first anniversary of your loss. evilpenguini You have been a great help to me, giving me information and telling me what you know so that I can look for more. Knowing you are as busy as you are, thanks too.
Ok.. well that sounded like a .. I don't know... I just wanted to thank people that have helped me through this so far, you know? I may have a long road ahead of me. Mom says that they said when they stopped the chemo that he might have 6 or 8 months. I don't think he'll last that long. Given the amount of pain he has and so on, I really hope that he doesn't drag on that long. I'd rather he cross over quietly in his sleep sooner rather than later so that we can say goodbye, begin the healing process, and look forward to seeing him again in another life. That's what I want. Mom agrees. Mom needs a new hip, and that is not going to happen until this is over for obvious reasons. I don't think Dad will let them take him to the hospital for anything any more. He knows he's dying, and I think he is afraid that if he goes, that he won't get to come back home... that he will die there, and not at home with his wife where he wants to be. I support that too. I wouldn't want to die in an institution. I don't blame him for feeling that way too.
Anyway, the point here is that he is in fact dying if anyone had any question. They had to stop the chemo because it was killing him faster than the cancer. The second round of chemo (a different med from the first which wasted six weeks doing nothing) did stop the growth of the tumor, but he can't take another dose of that med.
They have some Protocell 50 which they were going to try, but Dad doesn't want to. Mom says that while you're on it you have to have a balanced diet, and it's all he can do to eat a little bit for her every meal she makes. It just tires him out... and 8 glasses of water a day. She says that she thinks he looks at all the stuff that he already has to take "big cup of pills" and just can't bear the idea of taking that as well. I understand. I do, and I support his decision about it, though it saddens me deeply. I don't want him tortured through the last of his days.
The fact is that the Protocell 50 is something that might have helped if they'd gotten it before the chemo nearly killed him. It might help now too, but he's so far gone at this point, that given his age, and very poor health in the first place, it would be a very very long journey back for him, and highly unlikely that he could ever get to where he was before he became ill.
Thanks to everyone who has offered me words of kindness and support, or talked to me when I was having a hard time with this. Thanks by name to
cornerofmadness who sat up with me late that night I initiated a conversation with "I think my dad is dying". Thanks to evil_little_dog who I have talked to extensively about this too, and who I know went through this too recently with her own Dad. Thanks to sissalem for all the information about essiac and alternative treatments. Mom and I discussed them at length, and she and Dad made a decision about their alternative. Thanks to composer2005 for talking to me about ayurvedic options and giving me information about that too. I know this was fresh for you too, with your mom. I can't believe how strong you are that you could continue playing for her as she crossed over. I could never do it. I don't know if I will ever be able to sing his song all the way through. indigocub, I didn't talk to you much about this directly, though I know that you know what has been going on. But for you... your wound is still so fresh... your loss so sudden, and the first anniversary of your loss. evilpenguini You have been a great help to me, giving me information and telling me what you know so that I can look for more. Knowing you are as busy as you are, thanks too.Ok.. well that sounded like a .. I don't know... I just wanted to thank people that have helped me through this so far, you know? I may have a long road ahead of me. Mom says that they said when they stopped the chemo that he might have 6 or 8 months. I don't think he'll last that long. Given the amount of pain he has and so on, I really hope that he doesn't drag on that long. I'd rather he cross over quietly in his sleep sooner rather than later so that we can say goodbye, begin the healing process, and look forward to seeing him again in another life. That's what I want. Mom agrees. Mom needs a new hip, and that is not going to happen until this is over for obvious reasons. I don't think Dad will let them take him to the hospital for anything any more. He knows he's dying, and I think he is afraid that if he goes, that he won't get to come back home... that he will die there, and not at home with his wife where he wants to be. I support that too. I wouldn't want to die in an institution. I don't blame him for feeling that way too.
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